Christmas has come and gone and before we know it the new year is upon us, I find it a nice moment to sit in the reflection of this past year and all that has unfolded. Whether you see time as going fast or slow, whether you’re at the end of the year and thinking how on earth is it the year already ending, I bet when you take a moment to pause and look back at ALL that this year entailed you will begin to make sense of how much of the year was actually fulfilled.
For me, this year was unlike any others I have experienced before, and likely will ever experience again. It has been an extremely valuable moment of time for me. It has taken me to the depths of difficulty and simultaneously gifted me so much hope, healing and love that I never thought possible. See this last New Year was spent alongside my fiancé (at the time) working in a wellness festival of healing. It was the place I wanted to be, it aligned with everything I valued and all the things that were important to me, but I felt lost. I felt very lost in the equation of who I was and what it was I was ‘suppose’ to be doing. I had all these ideas, hopes and dreams and yet inside I felt frustrated, fearful, insecure and a depth of inability to believe in the reality I felt so certain about. I was frustrated with life. Not life in general, as living and the concept of experiencing growing and embracing all it has to offer was very strong but in a deep disconnect of not loving the equations that surrounded me. My life was looking out and seeing all the things I didn’t like, didn’t want to be doing and I was uncompromising as i felt a deep sense that none of these equations fit. Some did. I was finding happiness in daily moments and the life I was building, and the love that existed was timeless but I had an urge for more, I needed to live my life uncompromised by fear, by how things were and by all the expectations of things as a known reality. I struggled. That new years was so important for me, as I began to begin to understand myself better, I met amazing people who helped guide me into my sense of who I was and although a lot of it didn’t make sense to me in that moment at the same time I was excited to continue to grow along this path that felt aligned with a deeper inner purpose. But I didn’t, the world happened, finances were low, the dreams were put on hold and reality took over and I STRUGGLED. I struggled to accept things. I struggled to go back to what we were doing, and I struggled to find happiness within the equation that was unfolding before me. It wasn’t my dreams I was living, it was someone else’s. Yet still, that someone else was so special to me that I didn’t see how to continue to pursue the dreams I so desired, and more importantly I wasn’t clear on what exactly my dreams were. I felt so very lost. I began to resent a lot, frustrations came in full force and admittedly my loving caring partner at the time, took a brunt of it despite all the extensive efforts to support me to live my dreams. I began getting lots of little signposts, injuries, sickness, and moments that universe put along my path to remind me where I was supposed to be heading but I wasn’t ready to listen, I was caught up in my own world that was slowly and surely inhibiting me from living any of the dreams I aspired to live. I felt paralyzed. I was stuck. I’d go as far to say, I felt undeserving of the realities I seeked. Everything was moving around me but I wasn’t able to live or flow or find the lessons that were forever present. I heard them, I was fully aware but I was refusing to look inside. I didn’t want to let go of everything I knew and loved to discover this unpaved reality that I dreamed of. And then it happened, a moment, a moment that there was absolutely no escaping from, a moment that I could no longer deny, the deep healing that I was longing for. I fell. I fell fast and hard. And I was catapulted from the world as I knew it into a world that I had done my best to avoid. A world of ME. A world of deep essential healing, rediscovering and living fully present. A world where I could find my own sense of happiness and belonging without relying on others to fill my cup. Even after the fall, I tried my best to hang on, to hang on to the safe, the familiar, the life as I knew it, the life of distractions and hopes and safety. I tried to desperately cling to the things outside of myself that made me feel good. But even that was no longer a reality. The person closest to me, knew in that moment, that this was a journey I had to do on my own. In an instance, I had fallen off a horse, in to a world of pain, been cast into a cave like existence and with no one any longer by my side to support me. My relationship gone, money gone, no secure living arrangement and all I had left was me, myself and I (not to discredit the incredible family support). I felt like I had lost everything but equally it was in this moment, I felt I had gained everything too. I had been cast into a world of me. A world where I could just stop, pause and entirely focus on what was most important to me. Healing. And so, a new much awaited journey unfolded before me. I began to rebuild from the inside out. The first 2 months I lived in my room (the cave), my sensory stimuli were not coping with the world around me. I needed darkness, quietness, peace. I meditated for countless amounts of hours and slept the remainder. I would go for very short walks along the beach (only handling 10 minutes at a time with sunglasses and ear plugs) and I would eat meals with my folks in dark rooms. And that was it. Life was a simple as it had ever been. The concussion symptoms and sleepless nights and depth of releasing now had been cast into a world of permission to heal, and it was hard. It’s often so hard to face some of those things that you quite comfortably buried deep inside. But I knew if I didn’t, then nothing would ever change. I would keep cycling the same pathways and those dreams I so longed for seeing a reality in, would just be a futuristic hope and never a reality. I had to find a deep sense of trust in all the purpose in everything that was unfolding. I had to look beyond the pain, the physical struggles and find a sense of acceptance of this moment, this moment that I had created. I had to find a commitment to myself, and regardless of the temptations to run away (at times) I stayed. I sat. I reflected. And I wrote. Allowing this moment to not just be a survival, recovery moment, which was a given, but allowing myself to go a step beyond the sensations that were present and look at everything, look at my life and look at all the barriers I had created.
See I found the concussion, gave me a whole new depth of appreciation for the magic of life, for the brain, for the central nervous system, for our automatic impulses, for the possibility of creating and recreating pathways that had been scrambled by the fall and by all the compilation of years that had created so many pathways. I saw it as such a miracle, and my curious nature was so inspired for this new found learning. The capacity of the brain, the mind, your intentions, your ability to reform pathways in ways that aligned with your dreams and beliefs. It took a conscious effort and it is something that each and everyday I continue to practise, to develop and to believe in. The miracles in healing and the incredible connection between, mind, body, environment and spirit is phenomenal. My life before now, had been one of surviving. Everyday was a battle. A fight to achieve. My whole system was caught up in a world of fight and flight. It was a very reactive reality but I didn’t know any different. So many people in the past had told me to relax. I simply didn’t know how. From a young age I had been surviving, my pathways and responses were all formulated to protect and preserve and my outlook and approach to life was greatly impacted. It’s as though this concussion was an essential component to flick off those switches and rewire the brain and my approach. Of course at first, given the fall, my entire system was in a state of overwhelm, the stress of a fall, a breakup and the concussion was naturally going to have an impact. It took extensive efforts and support from an incredible team of people to support me through this moment and remind my body, my soul of what it is to live in a world without such high volumes of stress running through your system. It was such an incredible journey to sense into a state of just being. Being okay being me and actually more than that, being grateful to be me and for the journey that I was on and for all that was unfolding before me.
I look at this year and I have nothing but appreciation. The moments served, were by no means easy but were essential to recreating the world I wish to live in. To reconnecting with myself. To healing. To enable me to now look in the mirror and like who I see staring back. Its taken many years not just this one, all life components building up and contributing to this moment of time but for the first time in a long long while, I feel more aligned than ever. The learnings were hard but they have been so essential. I have known love, unconditional love, but more than that I have learned it doesn’t matter how much love exists around you it is your own love and the light you shine that truly enables the heart to be ignited. I have learned the possibility of healing and although I know I am only just scratching the surface, my beliefs have been reopened in all that is possible. I have learned the acceptance of ALL of me, the judgement and critical outlook I had held for years over who I am and what I felt I had to accomplish no longer resides. I was cast into a moment of nothingness and for the first time, I got it, Life and living it, isn’t about all the things you do, how much you have, it’s about your energy each and every day, its about making moments count and lasting memories. It’s about growing and rediscovering pathways that are in alignment with the sense of what you have always felt to be true. Dedicating yourself to you and all of what is possible. I have learned more about myself this year, in a moment of stillness, then I ever cared too see before and simultaneously for the first time in a long time, I have very little, life is simple and I am happy.
For the longest time, I never wanted to stop. I didn’t want to listen and more importantly I didn’t want to let all those bottled down and stored up emotions run wild. But I did. And I will continue too, as without that, I can never truly be free, be me and be all the things I hope and dream of. Life is complex, it doesn’t always make sense and that’s okay. There is a deeper trust in me, that has evolved in the purpose of everything, and that everything that crosses my path are things that are meant to be, and I have the capacity to grow through these moments, to enable my journey to continue along the path it is destined for. I am VERY excited in this moment. I call it a year of transformation, as there are so many words to describe this year but none of them quite encapsulates the broad spectrum of what this year entailed. And don’t get me wrong here, I certainly don’t have all the answers, I am not completely healed, and I have plenty of lessons remaining, as we all do each in everyday of this magical life we are living. The transformation is on a continuum.
The last bit for me is an undeniable gratitude for all the people in my life that have supported me in some way or another. I share in this gratitude each and every day, my appreciation for the simply being here. There are people that come into your world to support these paths, and I was and am so fortunate to have an alignment with so many of these incredible souls who selflessly enable me to be me whilst continuing to support all of the journeys that life takes me on. And an extra special shout out to my family, who truly lived this journey with me. Each and every day. The ups and downs and moment by moment allowed me to express, to share, to cry, to shout, to dance, to laugh and to ignite a depth of healing that I have chosen to step into. Creating the space for me to press the reset button and trust it is all as its meant to be and greater things will come from all these learnings. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be born into such a supportive family. When I felt the most lost I have ever felt, and my brain wasn’t able to orientate itself at all, they were there. They have stepped into the excitement with me over this blank canvas reality. I’m still not clear exactly what life has in store, but each and everyday, the work i am doing, the heart space in which I am choosing to live and lead by is all connecting me to a greater sense of purpose in all that is unfolding.
I can leave this year and smile, knowing I am more then okay, I am better then i have ever been and for the first time in a long time, I am happy being ME. Usually, this time is a time of setting new intentions for the year ahead, and while I find this an important aspect of life and living, my intention setting remains the same (from my first 2 blogs). I will carry all of these intentions into the new year and continue to learn, grow, develop and heal personally for the betterment of myself and for serving others. I will continue to look at different ways to live, love and inspire. I will stay in alignment with my truth, my feelings, and trust my inner guidance will take me where I am suppose to go. Most importantly, I will continue to be the best version of myself and share this journey with you all in the hopes it will support and inspire others to ignite there healing journey and be the best they too can be.
Wishing everyone an inspiring transition into the next year. Acknowledging the many difficulties faced in this past year for so many people and hope that deeper sense of trust and knowing enables you to realise the healing that is taking place through the obstacles we face and each and every moment. There is a courage in each and every one of you to show up every day and do the best you can, and I hope that this next year supports you and your dreams becoming a reality.
