They say if you don’t get it the first time, try and try again. Hmmmmm well although there is a sentiment of not giving up, to me there is a little bit of sign post, when things aren’t working, it’s time to say goodbye. Not always but in some cases. Well that’s been my experience on many learnings over the past couple of years but the real essence of doubling down came about when I was not listening to the signposts that were ringing like alarm bells right in front of me.
See the thing was, after the experience I had last year with the horse fall and hefty concussion, it took all of my energy to get through each day, follow all the regiments and fully focus all of my attention on healing and getting myself better. As we came towards the end of the year, I began to feel more and more capable, more like my usual self and with that came a load of excitement. The extremist in me was so determined. Determined to get my life back in order, to feel the sense of contribution and to continue to pave the life and goals that I had to put on hold for my recovery. The things about desire is that sometimes it blinds you. I started this year in FULL force. I got myself a job, it even started on the 2nd of January so there was no mucking around. I was so determined to get myself out of ACC reliance that I went a little gung ho. I was still having symptoms, challenges with driving in the rain, visual, sound and concentration issues but those were minor compared to anything I had experienced previous so that was easily dismissed.
The issue was as much as I was running toward new beginnings, I was running away from the past year. Not sure if you have ever experienced trying to run away from things, but in some way or some form life has a funny way of bumping you right back on track. Well for me that was exactly what happened. It didn’t just bump me. It threw me once again. And I came crashing down to a halt. That’s right, another fall. And yes ironically it was off a horse, again. This is one of those moments where you ask yourself, was that a great idea, if at first I didn’t succeed, but where there is a passion and a love, there is a commitment to try. Yes still. This fall didn’t feel as brutal as the first one. I bounced back up pretty promptly and yes a little in shock but feeling okay. I drove home and cautiously let me family know what had happened, reassuring them I was okay and I kept on with my ambitious goals in pursuit. The problem was, I was in complete denial and there were symptoms and they were very familiar to the previous experience, but I spent the best part of the next 6 months ignoring and functioning as best as I could. Not always, I still maintined my care for self and gentle in comparison from previous existence but I didn’t want it to detract from all of what i hoped to do. The thing is, I was holding the 2025 fall and year that followed in my mind as a set back. And I was unable to fathom doing all of that again. As far as symbolosim and signposts go, i knew it was the universal shove in the right direction. After a year of incredible healing and commitment to change and life and all the beauty you can see when you get a moment to press pause. Despite all of that, I had very rapidly jumped back into old habits. To busy-fying myself. To not listening to my feelings above and beyond accomplishing a task or supporting someone. This was not the point of all this journeying within. And I knew that but putting that wisdom into action when old habits are so engrained is a hole new dimension.
Come August I realised I was no longer getting any better, I had hit a point where I still wasn’t coping but I also was no longer healing. That’s the thing about the incredible capacity of the brain and the body, it has a survival instinct and will always do its best to function no matter what you through it. So, I called in the reinforcements, I got back into the support system, neuro physio and occupational therapist back on board. I had to STOP, pause and just be once again to allow my brain a chance to get back into its natural rythyms. And step by step I am relaying the foundations for all my ambitious goals. It has been a true test of patience. A commitment to acceptance and a deeper journey than I ever thought possible in everyway – mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. But it has also been such a blessing, an opportunity to recreate the foundations in which I live, how I view the world and reignited my sense of excitement of what is possible. Not only from a healing perspective as I have been living this daily but also an opportunity to step outside of what is comfortable, what is safe and step into a place of deep belief in what is possible.
Ironically in the scheme of things its just a small blip on the radar. And actually as a result it has brought me back to the foundations of living. Simply, living, healing, growing, learning and evolving. It is the most aligned with nature and life that I have ever experienced. And to think I was trying to go back to a previous existence that was never doing me in favours in the first place.
So here I am, my heart of change is on a continuum and each and every day there are new lessons to learn, healings to have and adventures to explore. They say, sometimes you have to loose yourself to find yourself. Well this is my experience and my truth and I am excited to continue to share more with you over the next wee while. Each and everyday I am growing stronger, my capacity to do more of what I love is growing and evolving.
There have been so many take aways from this journey and many things I have had to say goodbye too in order to create the changes and ways I wish to show up in the world. And contrary to what some may believe, I am not giving up on my love of horses or the journey to overcome a childhood fear. The signposts of falling were for me to learn to let go, trust and just be in the moment and this perfectly accompanies the learning with horses and there beautiful sensitive and flighty ways.
At the end of the day for me is quite simple, each day provides a new opportunity, each moment provides a choice, each decision creates a pathway and though we may not envision the bumps along the road, everything is supporting us to learn grow and evolve. At the end of that day, that is living. And if we aren’t living our regret free existence than we are missing a huge opportunity of what this life has to offer.
Thanks for reading another verse in my unfolding story.
